Update! Sorry I haven't critted yet, I'm turning into a 'tiquing slug and...blah blah blah.
Oh, God.
His father gave him what?!
And he just reacted with "What?"
For the love of realism! :flails:
Jon's face would be burning, he would probably be part angry and part "oh my god, is that how he *really* thinks of me?". How would YOU react if someone handed YOU the...things!?
Your sentence structure is SO much better from the #1 , it's awesome. Not so chip-choppy. :sniffs and wipes imaginary tear from eye: My lectures finally've had effect!
I've added a few acronyms to my critiquing arsenal, mainly C.A.S. for "Combine Above Sentences", S.A.S. for "Shorten Above Sentence", R.P. for "Re-Phrase" and A.M.D. "Add More Detail".
Jon sat on his sofa. The clock claimed it was nineA.M. but he knew it was really eight. I'd suggest botching "but" in the favor of "though" It was Friday and the school was closed for a teacher training day, Jon couldn’t care why it was closed only that it was a day off for him. Rephrase, this is awkward. "It was a Friday free of school...teaching training or something like that; Jon couldn't be bothered remembering. What mattered was that school wasn't in session" or something Jon yawned. Nikki had phoned him early that morning saying that she needed help with organizing her birthday party today and that she would be round at eight.
Since Saturday they had hung out twice and agreed that they wouldn’t tell anyone about Saturday night for a few weeks. They weren’t going out as it were but were seeing each other. The door bell rang and Marc began his insane yapping. Leaving the room he ran down the stairs to the front door opened it and slipped out, ensuring Marc didn’t escape.Bit awkward, rephrase. The beginning is much too long.
He didn’t have time to lock the door before Nikki’s arms were around his neck. She planted a kiss on his cheek and disengaged herself.
“Hi to you too.” Jon locked the door.
“Yes, well we don’t have time for pleasantries. We have to go shopping!” Nikki grabbed his hand and pulled him down the path. “We areWe're? going into town and We are, we're going to buy stuff to make my house look fun.” Period
Na, if you include the party, that'd be great- more characters to add to your lovedove pageant!
“You didn’t say anything about shopping.” How did he react? Tell us, please! A.M.D.!
“Well, what did you think we were going to do? Plus, I saw a nice dress the other day I that want.”
“Oh, great.” They walked down the street to the bus stop. A.M.D.
“We need to go to the corner shop.” Nikki spoke quickly. Awkward, R.P. Said would be better, but still it's kinda iffy either way
“Don’t worry about change, I have tons of it.” Jon reached into his pocket and removed five one-pound coins and a lot of silver.
“I knew there was a reason for you.”
”So, who is going to be at your party tonight?”
“About twenty people. A few of them you met this week, like Joe and Annie.”
SPACEThat had definitely been one of the best things about seeing Nikki - [s]was[/s] all the new people he was meeting.
Umhummmmm
“Cool, what time is it going to finish?”
The bus came around the corner and Nikki held her arm out, signaling it to stop. You people are SO lucky! The US buses are nasty and ugly and BLAH!They boarded, bought a ticket and went to the backend the sentence, start a new one it was an old bus and the seats were frayed and chewing gum covered. Covered what?
“We will chuck most of them out at about twelve, but five can stay.” The bus went over a speed bump and threw them both up. Nikki, is that BILE on your new skirt?
“I will I'll? leave with the rest of them.”
“Oh, no you’re not. You are You're?staying there with me, I’m not tackling them all by myself.”
“Ok. What is it we need to get today?”
“Balloons, party poppers, silly string and some barbeque food.” Jon nodded and they sat in a comfortable silence. It was another five minutes until the bus arrived at the stop they needed. R.P.
Nikki grabbed Jon’s hand and pulled him off the bus. The town was relatively unknown to Jon, who hated crowds, he allowed Nikki to guide him and listened as she pointed out various shops. They walked around town for two hours, buying balloons and all the other things she needed. They finally arrived at a small clothes shop. Jon silently groaned but put on a happy face, it was her birthday tomorrow and he was determined not to ruin today for her.
“The dress is in here. You’ll love it.” The shop was empty, apart from an old woman stood behind the counter.
See what I'm getting at? Good!
Because I've got a lot of stuff to do....ja ne!
sumi
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