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Young Writers Society



Chicken Fried Rice #5

by Jules the jester


Sorry about the wait To teh peopel who have been Nagging me, You knwo who you are. Anyway I defeated Writers Block!!

************************************************

Jon sat on his sofa. The clock claimed it was nine am but he knew it was really eight. It was Friday and the school was closed for a teacher training day, Jon couldn’t care why it was closed only that it was a day off for him. Jon yawned. Nikki had phoned him early that morning saying that she needed help with organising her birthday party today and that she would be round at eight.

Since Saturday they had hung out twice and agreed that they wouldn’t tell anyone about Saturday night for a few weeks. They weren’t going out as it were but were seeing each other. The door bell rang and Marc began his insane yapping. Leaving the room he ran down the stairs to the front door opened it and slipped out, ensuring Marc didn’t escape.

He didn’t have time to lock the door before Nikki’s arms were around his neck. She planted a kiss on his cheek and disengaged herself.

“Hi to you too.” Jon locked the door.

“Yes, well we don’t have time for pleasantries. We have to go shopping!” Nikki grabbed his hand and pulled him down the path. “We are going into town and going to buy stuff to make my house look fun”

“You didn’t say anything about shopping.”

“Well what did you think we were going to do? Plus I saw a nice dress the other day I want.”

“Oh great.” They walked down the street to the bus stop.

“We need to go to the corner shop.” Nikki spoke quickly.

“Don’t worry about change, I have tons of it.” Jon reached into his pocket and removed five one pound coins and a lot of silver.

“I know there was a reason for you.”

”So who is going to be at your party tonight?”

“About twenty people. A few of them you met this week, like Joe and Annie.” That had definitely been one of the best things about seeing Nikki was all the new people he was meeting.

“Cool, what time is it going to finish?”

The bus came round the corner and Nikki held her arm out, signalling it to stop. They boarded, bought a ticket and went to the back it was an old bus and the seats were frayed and chewing gum covered.

“We will chuck most of them out at about twelve but five can stay.” The bus went over a speed bump and threw them both up.

“I will leave with the rest of them.”

“Oh no you’re not. You are staying there with me, I’m not tackling them all by myself.”

“Ok. What is it we need to get today?”

“Balloons, party poppers, silly string and some barbeque food.” Jon nodded and they sat in a comfortable silence. It was another five minutes until the bus arrived at the stop they needed.

Nikki grabbed Jon’s hand and pulled him off the bus. The town was relatively unknown to Jon who hated crowds, he allowed Nikki to guide him and listened as she pointed out various shops. They walked around town for two hours buying balloons and all the other things she needed. They finally arrived at a small clothes shop. Jon silently groaned but put on a happy face, it was her birthday tomorrow and he was determined not to ruin today for her.

“The dress is in here. You’ll love it.” The shop was empty, apart from and old woman stood behind the counter.

She smiled at them. His hands were full of bags so Nikki hooked his arm and pulled him to the other side of the shop. She picked up a red dress and held it against herself.

“What do you think?” She smiled and looked at herself in the mirror.

“I think it will look good on you. Why don’t you go try it on?” She nodded and dashed off into the curtained booth.

Jon patiently wondered over to the men’s section and had a look through the clothing. He found a pair of nice jeans in his size and decided he would come back later to get them.

“Jon look.” Jon turned and watched as Nikki gave a twirl. The dress came down to her knees. She looked good in it. “What do you think?”

“I think you look radiant in it.” Jon smiled. Did I just say radiant? What the hell? He thought to himself.

“I am going to buy it then!” She disappeared into the booth again and Jon waited patiently. She reappeared a few minutes later with the dress. The old woman at the counter smiled as Nikki and Jon approached. She tapped some numbers into till.

“Fifteen pounds please.” Nikki reached into her pocket.

“Don’t worry about it, Nikki. I will buy it for you.” Jon took out his wallet and handed over the amount. “Happy birthday. Sorry I don’t have a card for you.”

“Thank you Jon.” She wrapped her arms around his neck and planted a kiss upon his lips. The old woman coughed and Nikki removed her arms.

************************************************

Jon checked his hair in the mirror and went over it once more with a brush. His t-shirt was only a week old and he hadn’t worn it yet, plus it went well with his grey jeans. Checking his watch he swore, he was going to be late. Running down the stairs he entered his Dad’s office.

“Dad, can you give me a lift to Nikki’s?” His dad turned in his chair and hung up the phone. He had been talking on it and hadn’t bothered saying goodbye.

“Sure can. It’s her party tonight isn’t it?” Jon nodded. They walked down the second set of stairs and out the front door. Once in the car his Dad began singing again.

“Dad, can we have a car drive when you don’t butcher a song?”

“Ah, you be quiet.” The car stopped at a red light. “So what time will you be home?”

“Err, I’m staying the night.” The car began moving again.

“Are her parents going to be there?”

“I don’t think so.” Jon answered.

“I will take that as a no.” He pulled the car over outside the corner shop. “Stay here.” He got out and left Jon wondering what he was doing.

After five minutes he came back with a shopping bag. He sat down and removed a packet of condoms.

“Ok, take these.” He handed Jon two of the condoms. “Practice safe sex, you don’t want to be a father at fifteen.”

“Dad, I am not going to have sex with Nikki. I have only known her for a week.” Jon protested.

“Well just in case. Anyway I need to get some for me and your mother.” Jon’s mouth dropped.

“I didn’t want to know that!” Jon put the condoms in his wallet.

“Well, your mother and I haven’t had the house to ourselves in quite a while. I think me and her will have a nice night together.” Jon shook his head.

“Thanks dad. Thanks a lot.” Jon sighed as his dad started the car up.

“Have we had the talk about sex yet?”

“Yes, we have. Remember, you told me how I was conceived?” Jon’s dad smiled widely.

“Oh, that’s was a good night when you were conceived.”

“You’ve told me before. Can you just take me to the party now?” His dad let out a loud laugh as he began driving to Nikki’s house.


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User avatar
280 Reviews


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Sat Jul 14, 2007 5:49 pm
Sumi H. Inkblot wrote a review...



Update! Sorry I haven't critted yet, I'm turning into a 'tiquing slug and...blah blah blah.

Oh, God.

His father gave him what?!

And he just reacted with "What?"

For the love of realism! :flails:

Jon's face would be burning, he would probably be part angry and part "oh my god, is that how he *really* thinks of me?". How would YOU react if someone handed YOU the...things!?

Your sentence structure is SO much better from the #1 , it's awesome. :D Not so chip-choppy. :sniffs and wipes imaginary tear from eye: My lectures finally've had effect!

I've added a few acronyms to my critiquing arsenal, mainly C.A.S. for "Combine Above Sentences", S.A.S. for "Shorten Above Sentence", R.P. for "Re-Phrase" and A.M.D. "Add More Detail".

Jon sat on his sofa. The clock claimed it was nineA.M. but he knew it was really eight. I'd suggest botching "but" in the favor of "though" It was Friday and the school was closed for a teacher training day, Jon couldn’t care why it was closed only that it was a day off for him. Rephrase, this is awkward. "It was a Friday free of school...teaching training or something like that; Jon couldn't be bothered remembering. What mattered was that school wasn't in session" or something Jon yawned. Nikki had phoned him early that morning saying that she needed help with organizing her birthday party today and that she would be round at eight.

Since Saturday they had hung out twice and agreed that they wouldn’t tell anyone about Saturday night for a few weeks. They weren’t going out as it were but were seeing each other. The door bell rang and Marc began his insane yapping. Leaving the room he ran down the stairs to the front door opened it and slipped out, ensuring Marc didn’t escape.Bit awkward, rephrase. The beginning is much too long.

He didn’t have time to lock the door before Nikki’s arms were around his neck. She planted a kiss on his cheek and disengaged herself.

“Hi to you too.” Jon locked the door.

“Yes, well we don’t have time for pleasantries. We have to go shopping!” Nikki grabbed his hand and pulled him down the path. “We areWe're? going into town and We are, we're going to buy stuff to make my house look fun.” Period


Na, if you include the party, that'd be great- more characters to add to your lovedove pageant!

“You didn’t say anything about shopping.” How did he react? Tell us, please! A.M.D.!

“Well, what did you think we were going to do? Plus, I saw a nice dress the other day I that want.”

“Oh, great.” They walked down the street to the bus stop. A.M.D.

“We need to go to the corner shop.” Nikki spoke quickly. Awkward, R.P. Said would be better, but still it's kinda iffy either way

“Don’t worry about change, I have tons of it.” Jon reached into his pocket and removed five one-pound coins and a lot of silver.

“I knew there was a reason for you.”

”So, who is going to be at your party tonight?”

“About twenty people. A few of them you met this week, like Joe and Annie.”

SPACEThat had definitely been one of the best things about seeing Nikki - [s]was[/s] all the new people he was meeting.


Umhummmmm

“Cool, what time is it going to finish?”

The bus came around the corner and Nikki held her arm out, signaling it to stop. You people are SO lucky! The US buses are nasty and ugly and BLAH!They boarded, bought a ticket and went to the backend the sentence, start a new one it was an old bus and the seats were frayed and chewing gum covered. Covered what?

“We will chuck most of them out at about twelve, but five can stay.” The bus went over a speed bump and threw them both up. Nikki, is that BILE on your new skirt?

“I will I'll? leave with the rest of them.”

“Oh, no you’re not. You are You're?staying there with me, I’m not tackling them all by myself.”

“Ok. What is it we need to get today?”

“Balloons, party poppers, silly string and some barbeque food.” Jon nodded and they sat in a comfortable silence. It was another five minutes until the bus arrived at the stop they needed. R.P.

Nikki grabbed Jon’s hand and pulled him off the bus. The town was relatively unknown to Jon, who hated crowds, he allowed Nikki to guide him and listened as she pointed out various shops. They walked around town for two hours, buying balloons and all the other things she needed. They finally arrived at a small clothes shop. Jon silently groaned but put on a happy face, it was her birthday tomorrow and he was determined not to ruin today for her.

“The dress is in here. You’ll love it.” The shop was empty, apart from an old woman stood behind the counter.

See what I'm getting at? Good!

Because I've got a lot of stuff to do....ja ne!

sumi




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Fri Jul 13, 2007 6:50 pm
ELven-Maiden wrote a review...



I liked it; interesting idea. But, like miyaviloves said, the Chicken Fried Rice thing...is it going to come back, or is there some significance to that, or what?

Really, I can only repeat what the others have said.

Quote:
"I am going to buy it, then!" She disappeared into the booth again and Jon waited patiently. She reappeared a few minutes later with the dress.
EndQuote.

Umm....shouldn't she come out in her jeans and t-shirt that she was wearing before? I would add that if I were you.

And I really like how you used the old lady at the counter lol that was pretty good. Mde me chuckle.

Great job!




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Thu Jul 12, 2007 5:24 pm
Alainna wrote a review...



Hey Jules!!

This part was really good; although I'm a little confused. Did I crit part 4? Or did you just skip it? Is this the next chapter after 3 just with the wrong title?

Anyways.

I agree with Meevs. Describe more: remember the five senses. Live the moment always.

Also, does Jon seriously like this girl? Because his reaction to her in a dress would probably be different if he was into her.

The dress came down to her knees. She looked good in it.

What does the dress look like? If he really liked her, this would provoke more of a response than 'She looked good.' Scientifically, the brain becomes extremely receptive to a crush (love and lust) and something like seeing your crush looking hot would send out a load of endorphins and make him feel pretty happy to be around her. Butterflies and all that.
/ End of science lecture.........sorry about that!

Also, please, please, please allow your characters to talk freely. Let them talk how you chat, not like robots!!

Introduce the Condom thing a bit more wearily. Make the characters react a bit more realistically. They'd be embarrassed and Jon would probably start to question his maturity and think about Nikki in a different way.

Keep this up, it's going well!!!
Alainna
xxxxxxx




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Wed Jul 11, 2007 4:28 pm
miyaviloves wrote a review...



Yay part five :D Writers block is SUCH a pain!

The clock claimed it was nine am but he knew it was really eight.

Maybe you should explain this, is his clock wrong???

The shop was empty, apart from and old woman stood behind the counter.

Should and be an here? :S

After five minutes he came back with a shopping bag. He sat down and removed a packet of condoms.

OMG how embarrassing i actually cringed!

Anyway I need to get some for me and your mother

Even more embarrassing!

Yay another great part here, but I must say I'm not sure about the title, they ate Chicken Fried Rice once, are you going to link it back in with the story?

And I would also like a description of her dress, at the moment it is a bit blank, or are you doing that in the next part?

Look forward to more Jules!

All the best,
Meevs
x





Who wants to become a writer? And why? Because it’s the answer to everything. It’s the streaming reason for living. To note, to pin down, to build up, to create, to be astonished at nothing, to cherish the oddities, to let nothing go down the drain, to make something, to make a great flower out of life, even if it’s a cactus.
— Enid Bagnold